really?

I realize that compromise is a pretty major part of life, but I am right now really sick of adapting myself to other peoples' whims. I remember a time when I used to push back, and I sometimes miss it. It's like... understanding the limits of your interpersonal relationships- that lack of freedom is kind of saddening. One more way in which life is restricted.

from Baton Rouge

I spent about an hour today on Craig's List looking at housing in Europe. Some of the apartments had pictures. I made me think about how I really can't wait to get out of Newark... or actually, this country. I've been having some doubts recently about the idea of living abroad in a country where I barely speak the language... because it's a pretty scary thing if I think about it too much. But there's really no way I could not do this.

demons

Tonight was really lovely. As I had spent a lot of time "walking" around today in my medical shoe, I decided that it would be best to stay in and rest my foot. When I got home from errands around 3:30, I took a wonderful nap for about two hours, and then headed off to Video Americain, in hopes of renting Everything is Illuminated. It was out, but I asked them to call me if a copy came back in the next few days- which it did, later on tonight... though after I had already committed myself to watching something else. I made dinner- pesto stuffed tortellini with a sautee of onions, garlic, zucchini, rosemary, basil, oregano, red pepper, white wine, olive oil... topped with pecorino romano cheese... it's similar to parmesan, but cheaper. I also made brownies... they were out of a box, but in my physical state, it's excusable.

After dinner, I watched Paradise Now, a Palestinian movie about two men who are recruited to be suicide bombers... It was incredibly powerful- it mostly took place in the West Bank, and only in the end did you see Tel Aviv... and the contrast was shocking. After so much poverty and destitution, you're confronted by ads for Samsung and palm trees... so much artificiality. It seemed like just another kind of desperation... the movie really froze into relief those conditions which cause people to strap bombs to themselves. The desperation, the struggle for identity under occupation, and the humiliation. Then you are called a martyr, bathed, praised, made to feel that your hands are not tied- made to feel that you are being accorded an honour. It's not so unlikely a scenario.

After I watched the movie, I took a walk to pick up Everything is Illuminated from the video store. My life seemed suddenly foreign to me. When I got home, I wrote for a bit, and then made tea and finished my book, Of Love and Other Demons by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Exquisite writing. His ability to weave a story is unlike any other, and it makes me ache all over. This is a short book- almost a novella... maybe 150 pages. In a way, I almost enjoyed it more than Love in the Time of Cholera or 100 Years of Solitude, because although the world he constructed was no less rich, the story was simpler. Maybe it was what I needed in my hectic life.

On a side note... today I listened to a recording of Cathy Berberian singing Luciano Berio's folksongs with an ensemble conducted by him... it was one of the best recordings I have ever heard. I'm incredibly tempted to learn them and perform some for my recital... I just wonder if I am too young to do them justice.

The answer is NO

As some of you may be aware, I am on crutches for an undetermined period of time. Probably won't be back to normal for 3 or so weeks. Never having had a serious injury or sickness that lasted for more than a few days (with the possible exception of chicken pox), this is naturally a fairly frightening prospect. Therefore, I would like to state for the record that any handsome young gentlemen who would like to attend to me are so very welcome. (Though I reserve the right to refuse treatment.)

Actually, I can see myself getting tired of being waited on, hand and foot... I made it to trabant and back on crutches without falling on my face, so I'm pretty proud of that... I just use one crutch usually when I'm just hobbling around the apartment... and then I kind of feel like a pirate. Which is always a good thing to feel like.

Yes is the answer.

The first day of spring weather.

Many thoughts on how it's going to be a good one.

Only delinquent thing I've ever done. Ever. Really.

For the first time in my college life (almost three years, now) I am intentionally skipping Schola Cantorum without leave. Every monday night from 7:15-9:30, this large choir experience has been attended by yours truly. But not tonight. Tonight, I decided that after yoga (which ends at 7:15, usually causing me to be late), I would go home and make myself dinner, instead of sitting through 2 hours and 15 minues of starving and listening to the Schola Soprano Section. Never having committed such a grievous offense against Schola before, I am naturally feeling a wee bit guilty. But I am also enjoying steamed broccoli, tofu and rice with good seasonings and a beer. It's the Monday after my recital, and I do feel a bit entitled. I will use my spare time well.