Atonement for my sins...

So I just did the unthinkable and posted song lyrics on my blog. My apologies to everyone ever. It's a quiet Thursday night- I finished work at 9, and came home with no particular plans, except a vague idea of watching a movie or picking up a new book... I like the idea of looking forward to a book, as I did with Kate Chopin's The Awakening. (Though I thought the ending was a cop-out.) Anyway, I haven't done much except talk online, and browse Esther's itunes library, as she has graciously granted me the use of her computer while mine is hopefully being fixed for an almost certainly horrific price. Tonight is one of those evenings when I am fairly aware of a few things... my musing, music listening, and internet surfing have caused me to ponder upon the following:

1. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/5368360.stm... My immediate reaction was that everyone in the world- or at least America- should read this. Then, I realized... what the hell does it matter? As long as people here can drive their SUVs to their comfy jobs and blame it on someone else, they will not give a shit about what's going on in the world.

2. Wondering if society in Europe is so divided between the haves and have-nots. Probably.

3. Odd high school recollections.

4. My immedite loneliness in the world. I try not to dwell on this too much, especially these days, when it is so apparant that there are incredibly few people in my environment with whom I really feel a genuine connection. Dating isn't even on the map, here. I feel so genuinely starved for a great intellectual, spiritual, and personal exchange over a cup of tea.

5. Despite this, I am also feeling quite intensely my generally lucky place in the world. So a few things could be better. But I have a magnificent family, and a few people in the world, maybe, with whom I could perhaps communicate. And hey. I'm living in a part of the world where it is feasable for me to do what I love.

6. Things are most often not how they seem. It's incredibly disillusioning

7. I need to think about my radio program for tomorrow.

8. One day, I would really like to skip French. Who knows? Tomorrow could be it.

I hope you find that all you want
is right there in that room- all you want
and all you need is sitting there with you

Je suis Titania (Natalia?), la blonde...

Ah, Callas. I recently bought an album by Anna Netrebko, who is the latest "hot thing" on the opera scene. She's been big in Europe for years actually, and in the past couple has broken onto the American stage. Anyway, she is fairly young- still in her 20s, so who knows what will be to come, BUT.... In this album, she sang various well known arias from Manon, La Sonnabula, Rusalka, Faust, La Boheme, etc... and she sang them "flawlessly." They were really technically quite good. But, but, but... There is just something essential missing- listening to Maria Callas tonight, I feel that Netrebko is just missing this essential soul and passion that makes opera what it is. She knows she's good, and enjoys being good at it... Listening to her sing, however, I feel that she does not cherish the music the way that true artists like Callas did/do. That may come with time, or it may come never at all.

It's funny that I should be so compelled to write this, after the weekend I had... By Friday of last week, I was so exhausted from cramming music into my head all week for Chorale and Opera Workshop and god knows what else, and my voice was tired, so I decided to take a Weekend Off from being a music major. (I was about to say take a Weekend Off from being an opera singer, but I don't think it's really possible to ever do that. We are what we are.) I had intended to go on vocal rest, but I ended up doing all manner of irresponsible things, such as smoking pot, cheering at a Roger Waters Concert on Saturday, and cheering at a rally for Darfur on Sunday. Needless to say, I'm not quite vocally back to normal today... but mentally, I think I'm ready to reenter the mad world of singing. I need to find a way to balance my life so that I am not burning myself out by the end of the week. Maybe feeling that everything is not so much of a crisis will make me feel a little less out of breath. Or picturing a cucumber with sunglasses on... Be Cool as a Cucumber... "Hey guys! Don't get in a pickle!"

Rules of the universe

I've been incredibly stressed out by life, lately. I swear it's all this rainy and cloudy weather. And the fact that I don't really stop for any reasonable amount of time from 8am to whenever I get home at night- anywhere from 8-10:30pm on Monday-Thursday. Fridays, well, I thought they would be my special free days, with my 9am French class, and maybe a trip up to Temple for a coaching. Instead, I am hosting Fine Tuning (classical show) from 11:30-1, working from 1-3, and have rehearsal from 3:30-5. So it goes... but it's still better than most days.

I sat down in Central Perk today with a cup of tea to take advantage of the time from 10-10:40 for some decompression. I wanted to go see if the music library was open and maybe take out a few CDs before my show... which meant trekking across campus in the rain to the music building, which was out of the way, and then back to the radio station. Note that my backpack weighs about a 15 pounds.

Around 10:30, I made the fateful decision to just use the music I had with me, and whatever was at the radio station if need be. I sat at the coffee shop for another half hour, bought a sandwich to take to the station with me for lunch, and lo and behold, I have plenty of music to play on my show.

Which leads me to the point of this- a general life principle: Don't make more work for yourself than is really necessary. It's not about laziness. People go to extraordinary lengths every day trying to get things or do things that are completely useless, given the amount of work required, and the result is generally unfulfilling, anyway. Sit, meditate, consider. These obsessive feelings we get about people and things only hold us back from discovering Truth, and the nature of our universe. In our hectic lives, it is so important to take time- be it only 10 minutes- to sit and breathe, and let the bullshit go. Feel within yourself what it is that you really need.