here is a song from the wrong side of town

I imagine that if there was a wrong side of Newark, DE, it might be Madison. Sometime in 8th grade, I went through this Depeche Mode phase, and listening to them now for the first time in probably a couple of years, I get the same feeling that usually do when I listen to music that I loved so much at a certain time in my life: I wonder at how little I have changed since then- that I am essentially the same person, with small aberrations of temperament, new experiences under my belt, more certainty here, less there... and of course I what she would think of me today. I think I like Riesling better than Chardonnay. A discovery about myself. I also still like Depeche Mode and older men and feeling capable and in control. I still submit to ridiculous infatuations. I still want to be an opera singer... but a few people actually believe it now. I still have problems fitting in, though I'm much better at disguising them. I'm still my own drill sargeant, and I still dream of finding love. I still believe in Truth and Integrity, though I see that these things are more complicated.

This is why I don't believe in specific things "changing your life," or "making you a new person." I am forever discovering my capacity for vulnerability and spirituality and understanding or being confounded by the universe and creatures in it... but I strongly feel that these things have always been in me, and I am not changing, but rather discovering and implementing. This is why it is difficult sometimes to maintain one's sense of "new aspects." We go away for a little while, and then return, hopefully with enough knowledge that the next time, we will stay closer to our true selves. And then we leave again.