let me see your beauty broken down (like you would do for one you loved)
I've been in Scotland since Saturday, and the jetlag is fairly finished. I was pretty useless Saturday, until about 9pm... Sunday was a little better, and I managed to get some singing in, though my voice was fairly tired from all the coughing/week off. I can't believe I went a week without singing. Some friends of Daddy and Amber's came by, and they seem to be delightful people. Living as a college kid, I tend to forget how marvelously civilized life with parents is. Of course I didn't always have my own bathroom and a full-sized bed or a room with a skylight, or copious amounts of wine... But of course coming "home" (or at least back to my family, wherever they happen to be living at the time) is about much more than that. Somehow we speak the same language.
This morning, I woke up at 7:10am, and it was still dark outside... the sun rises here around 8:30... it's getting light around 8. After some coffee, I decided to go for an early morning walk to see the sun rise, so I pulled on my "wellies" and bundled up and headed off down the dirt road not far from our place. Quiet, fresh air, and frost all over the ground. A few lights in houses, way in distance... and across the fields, I could see our greenhouse covered in frost. And wouldn't you know it... in all of this peace, my mind was racing. I succeeded for a few seconds, a few times in merging with the calm which surrounded me... but all these months of chaos seem to have created a constant need for chatter in my mind. Envisioned conversations, scenarios, putting everything I was seeing into words, recollections of dreams, wonderings about people, about the rest of the vacation, half-remembered sayings and songs... Come to think of it, it's not just the garbage of the past seven months I'm trying to shed... it's the garbage of my entire life. How does one do that? No wonder I'm having a hard time finding creativity and poetry... but maybe this is a period of time during which I can tap into that. I have all of these needs taken care of, and plenty of space.
A side note, pertaining to the past entry: I have mentioned the thoughts contained in it especially to two separate people, who I thought might be able to really provide some insight into my adorably naive twenty-something ramblings... As someone who generally cultivates more relationships with less religious people, I find it difficult to find someone with whom I can discuss spirituality without feeling like a hack. But the thing I discovered, in my correspondences with these two people is that even if someone is spiritually open, they do not necessarily speak the same language as you do. Or they are coming from different places, and exist on a different plane now. So although I still lack fellow travellers, I know that I'm not alone in the world.
This morning, I woke up at 7:10am, and it was still dark outside... the sun rises here around 8:30... it's getting light around 8. After some coffee, I decided to go for an early morning walk to see the sun rise, so I pulled on my "wellies" and bundled up and headed off down the dirt road not far from our place. Quiet, fresh air, and frost all over the ground. A few lights in houses, way in distance... and across the fields, I could see our greenhouse covered in frost. And wouldn't you know it... in all of this peace, my mind was racing. I succeeded for a few seconds, a few times in merging with the calm which surrounded me... but all these months of chaos seem to have created a constant need for chatter in my mind. Envisioned conversations, scenarios, putting everything I was seeing into words, recollections of dreams, wonderings about people, about the rest of the vacation, half-remembered sayings and songs... Come to think of it, it's not just the garbage of the past seven months I'm trying to shed... it's the garbage of my entire life. How does one do that? No wonder I'm having a hard time finding creativity and poetry... but maybe this is a period of time during which I can tap into that. I have all of these needs taken care of, and plenty of space.
A side note, pertaining to the past entry: I have mentioned the thoughts contained in it especially to two separate people, who I thought might be able to really provide some insight into my adorably naive twenty-something ramblings... As someone who generally cultivates more relationships with less religious people, I find it difficult to find someone with whom I can discuss spirituality without feeling like a hack. But the thing I discovered, in my correspondences with these two people is that even if someone is spiritually open, they do not necessarily speak the same language as you do. Or they are coming from different places, and exist on a different plane now. So although I still lack fellow travellers, I know that I'm not alone in the world.
posted by Natalia at 4:55 PM
1 Comments:
Conversations regarding spirituality can be quite scary in general, but I'm glad I've had some with you in the past few months, they were worthwhile to me.
I've had a very tough time uncluttering my mind as well, in spite of peaceful surroundings. A few times I've achieved that feeling of 'merging with the calm which surrounded me' for slightly longer periods of time. It did a lot to 'reset' my head and body for a brief time period. Following the most...for lack of a better word 'intense' experience...I had a really strange, pretty negative experience and backed off from the kind of meditation of sorts you describe. I need to give another, earnest try and see if I can figure out what went wrong then.
I realize now I haven't seen a sunrise in over a year. Perhaps I will get up early to watch one over break. I hope your trip to Scotland does help in quieting your mind, and perhaps a few more walks before sunrise will do the trick.
(I may or may not be one of the two people listed, since we don't really talk on a regular basis, but I figured I should communicate this with you anyway).
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